Dear Texas Rangers,
I owe you a debt of gratitude after last night’s ALCS Game 4. The path carved by this game was wrought with hazard for me personally and I would certainly be mistaken if I didn’t thank you for your scoring outburst in the later innings to make the story today about your fine performance and Joe Girardi’s questionable managerial tactics instead of my resistance to technological advancements which would certainly make life easier for my umpiring crews.
I also would like to extend thanks to you on behalf of Major League Baseball fans everywhere for saving us from Jared Macchirole. He certainly will have his 15 minutes of fame; however, it would be very hard for us all to accept this “gentleman” reaching the folk hero/villain status of Jeffrey Maier.
Your team has been a breathe of fresh air in this series and certainly has helped drown out the even worse than usual viciousness of New York Yankees fans.
I wish you continued success in masking my ineptitude and saving me from modern times.
Commissioner: Major League Baseball